Coby

[whispersoflove]

Anael walked away from Crowley with a frown on his face, shoulders hunched as if bearing an invisible weight. As soon as he had the opportunity to disappear without anyone noticing, he cloaked himself and brought out his wings, rising high and fast above London. High enough that his breath fogged over, and then higher still, where the air was so crisp it felt different in his lungs - what would have been painful to someone else, no doubt.

He prayed. He played with the winds. He cried. And he forced himself not to despair, and prayed again. He felt so angry, and he didn't know what to do with that.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he touched down on Coby's rooftop, wings disappearing as he turned visible again. He felt wrong in a way he never had before, and no more settled for having just spent time flying and praying. He let himself into Coby's flat and tried to compose himself as he called out, "Coby?"

Comments

[sunsongs]

The more time passed without finding a way to break the binding on Anael, the more worried and angry Coby got, although he tried not to hold onto those kinds of feelings, because Anael would feel it through Coby's love, and Anael didn't need that on top of everything else. Especially when Coby had seen more anger in Anael than felt right.

When Anael came in, Coby was at the keyboard, chewing on the end of a pencil as he tried to push through a block on the next bit of melody he was working on. "In here," he called, setting the pencil down, pushing back from the instrument. Soft, sad love in his eyes as he looked up at his angel and tried to see how he was.

[whispersoflove]

Anael hated this, too, much as he needed it. He hated finding Coby with such sadness on his heart, and knowing that he was the cause of it. But he wasn't certain in what state he would be if it weren't for Coby's love. All he knew was that he would be much worse off.

He stood a little way from Coby now, and leaned a hand on the back of the couch. "I've seen Crowley," he stated, his throat tight with emotions.

[sunsongs]

Coby was already standing to cross the room to Anael when the words filtered through, and he paused, jaw clenched. "What did he do?" he asked, voice flat and hard.

[whispersoflove]

Annoyance flickered across Anael's face as he shook his head, forcing himself to stay in place. "Nothing... nothing but tell me what I asked him to." So the demon had got the promise of a future favour out of Anael. Given the restrictions he had placed on that favour, the angel was not worried about that. He was a lot more worried about what might happen to him. *

"Verrier," he went on, stepping away now, because he couldn't say that name, say those things, with Coby touching him, and he knew that that had been coming. "Does that name mean anything to you?"

[sunsongs]

The flicker of annoyance and the pulling away were things Coby'd had to get used to, no matter how strange they seemed coming from Anael. But it wasn't about Coby, and he couldn't take it personally. He stayed where he was and slid his hands into his pockets.

Verrier. Coby tried to remember, and there was almost something. Tip of his tongue, feeling like he knew the name without actually knowing anything about it, just as he was turning it around in his head, a chill running down his spine.

"Not really," he admitted after a moment. "Just that it's not good, but we knew that."

[whispersoflove]

"He's one of the principalities of hell," Anael explained, not quite looking Coby in the eye, "tasked with turning men away from their obedience to God. It's his sigil I carry." He paused, swallowed, and forced himself to say the words. "It seems as if I'm being set to Fall."

[sunsongs]

Well, fuck. And fuck that shit too.

"You're not going to Fall," Coby said softly, but more certain than he had a right to be. "You're not."

[whispersoflove]

"Okay," Anael answered, not even sure what he meant by that. He wished he was as confident as Coby sounded, under that softness.

[sunsongs]

Coby was quiet a moment, not knowing how to make things easier for Anael and hating seeing him so lost and hurt. "Other than ignoring the urge to pound a principality of hell into paste, 'cause even I know that's a recipe for failure, how can I help? What do you need?"

[whispersoflove]

"I don't know," Anael answered honestly. "I need to write Felix and Sunny, to let them know what I have learned." But he made no move to take his phone out of his pocket. He felt lost and adrift, and he did not know how to reconnect with his faith.

[sunsongs]

"It's a lot to take in." And that Anael'd had to get the info from Crowley probably didn't help. "You can take a bit to sit with the idea first. Then let them know, or I can at least point them in a general direction."

Holding each other, and simple touch, even without being sexual, was such a part of how Coby and Anael shared their love, and how Coby comforted most everybody he cared about, that reining in the instinct meant he was at more of a loss, at a time when he was already pretty clueless.

"I'm going to pour us some wine," he said, starting for the kitchen. "And then... we'll just take things as we can."

[whispersoflove]

Anael nodded, watching Coby move and wanting to step into his path, slide his arms around him and focus on nothing but his love. But something held him back, now that he had stepped away earlier. One of his hands came up to scratch at his opposite shoulder, an uncharacteristic show of awkwardness, and he ended up curled up in one corner of the couch, fighting off the urge to cry at a sudden surge of his deep longing for being back in Heaven.

[sunsongs]

A moment later, Coby was back with glasses and a bottle of one of Anael's favorites. He poured, and joined Anael on the couch, close enough with one arm along the back to be inviting, but leaving a bit of space if that was what the angel needed. He offered the glass n his other hand. "I'm here, lovely," he said quietly.

[whispersoflove]

Anael looked at the glass of wine for a beat, and then, instead of taking it, simply curled up into the inviting space at Coby's side and let himself cry, yet again. It felt as if he would never run out of tears.

[sunsongs]

As soon as Anael tucked up beside him, Coby curled around him to hold him close, offering what comfort he could while letting Anael cry out the overflow of hurt and sadness. After a bit he started humming softly, nothing particular, letting the melody go where it would as it carried his love and hope.

[whispersoflove]

That humming was a comfort in the way only Shamsiel in their many forms might have provided, and was yet again. It was a comfort and never-ending heartache all at once, the way Anael's friend always was, both miracle and curse. It felt like something of a shelter right then, like something that might always exist - that should always exist. A possible forever.

Eventually, Anael asked, tears still silently running down his face, permeating Coby's shirt, "What if God's lost faith in me, Coby?"

They had turned Their back on him so long ago. Maybe They had grown impatient with Anael's lack of remorse. Maybe this was the end for him, maybe They had made Their final choice. Maybe Anael was no longer welcome in Heaven.

[sunsongs]

Later he'd be angry again, but right now Coby's heart hurt.

"Not possible." He believed that, and he'd keep on believing it as long as Anael struggled to believe it himself.

"God knows what's in your heart, the love you have there. And it's a love that comes from Them, is a part of Them, right? They won't give up on you.

"So you can't lose faith in Them."

[whispersoflove]

Anael knew that Coby's last words held the key that would see him through this trial, but it all felt impossibly difficult, right then. Loving God - it was one and the same, to the angel - had never felt so difficult before, not even when They had turned Their back on him, sent him from Their presence, and not in the long centuries since. But this. This was too difficult, and the possible outcome too terrifying. Had he not proved his unending love? Why would God be so cruel to him now?

Anael knew that they were the wrong thoughts to have, the wrong emotions to feel, but the resentment was anchored deep in his soul, and he did not know how to get rid of it. That only added to his despair, of course.

"What if I do?" he asked in a broken whisper. "What if I'm not worthy?"

[sunsongs]

Coby ran a hand over Anael's hair and down his back in slow, steady strokes. "You won't," he promised, "And you are. Worthy.

"I've been lost. So many times." Not only as Coby, and the haze of long forgotten memories flickered just out of his grasp. "And more times than I know, it's been your love that guided me, kept me whole and from... going away completely. If you can't feel that faith in yourself right now, trust me to feel it. You're still Anael, Joy of God, and you're still Theirs."

[whispersoflove]

Trust Coby and his emotions; that was a lot easier than trusting himself, and Anael focused on the warm, steady love pouring from him. His exhale was still shaky, but deeper than before, and now the way he burrowed against Coby's side was less about hiding from everything else, and more about being close to Coby. Every stroke of his hand felt like a balm on his soul, and now it was no longer despair that choked up Anael, but other emotions altogether, love and humility at their forefront.

[sunsongs]

Coby had no idea how they were going to fix this. But they would. They had to. And he'd keep right on believing that until it happened.

He wasn't sure how long they sat like that, him needing to hold Anael close as much as Anael needed him to. "You're going to be okay, lovely. We'll find a way."

[whispersoflove]

"Being physical is exhausting," Anael stated quietly, after a few more long moments. "You're the only thing that makes sense anymore."

[sunsongs]

Given what a mess Coby was, being the only thing that made sense was seriously fucked up, but Coby got it anyway. "Being physical is totally exhausting," he agreed. "Sometimes curling up and hiding from the world is all you can do."

[whispersoflove]

Trust Coby to focus on what wasn't about him, and Anael made a non-committal sound of agreement. "The passing of time is exhausting," he added, eyes closed, his heart still focused on Coby's. He had not been prepared for how long every day seemed, and how quickly they went by all the same, a dichotomy he did not usually experience quite that way.

[sunsongs]

"Feeling like that is usually a good reason for me to start self-medicating. Get fucked up enough I don't care about any of it."

But Coby wasn't an angel. He definitely wasn't an angel bound by some kind of demon magic. Helping Anael wasn't going to be as simple as lighting up or swallowing a handful of pills.

"I'm sorry, love."

[whispersoflove]

Self-medicating wasn't an option for Anael, and for half a second, he wondered whether he should regret that. But then he pushed that question aside. "I know," he simply replied to Coby's last words. "Your love's all the medication I need."

[sunsongs]

"That you have." As long as Coby was Coby, and if they were really blessed, in the next lifetime too.

[whispersoflove]

Anael straightened up just enough to catch Coby's lips in a soft, tender kiss. Part of him wanted more than that, wanted to lose himself in Coby, in their love, but he knew that he would not be able to, not truly, and he did not want to sully their lovemaking with the brand on his chest, and everything it entailed.

[sunsongs]

Coby accepted and gave back the kiss gladly, without pushing it to something deeper. He and Anael shared their love in so many ways, so it could be hard, feeling like he had nothing to give, when Anael wasn't comfortable with more sexual lovemaking right now. But anything for Anael, always, so for now, he loved and returned what Anael gave to him.